The adoption process has been so much more emotional than I ever thought it would be. I thought it was just about signing a few papers, waiting to be matched with a child, and then preparing to bring that child home. But since we've begun the process, I've realized that it is MUCH more than that. It is a process of waiting, hoping, and praying. I didn't realize how much I would begin to care for a child that I have never met and who is not my own. I want so badly to meet this child and see his or her face that I sometimes lie awake at night and worry for them. I know that God has this situation under control and that He will protect that child more than I ever could, but I still want to be in control of the situation.
God has taught me a lot about control over the past few years. I've learned...I have none. He is in complete control of my life and if I would just turn the wheel over to Him, I would end up at the right destination. Looking back, this is not where I thought I would be in life. Four years ago, I thought we would begin to have the family that Jim and I had always planned for. We wanted to have children, but adopting wasn't really even on our radar. We went through a very difficult time when we lost our daughter Abby. However, it was during this time that God allowed my heart to be more open to adoption. I knew that if we couldn't have our own children then we would adopt (but at that time it probably would have been an infant from the U.S.). Then God allowed us to have our beautiful and precious daughter, Jade. After she was born, we began thinking about when we might want to try for another child. My idea was to wait until Jade was about a year old. Well, God had other plans. When Jade was about 3 months old, I began feeling that adoption was the next step. Then we felt Him pulling us toward international adoption. Wait a minute Lord!?? Are you sure? That was my initial reaction. Why is it that we always have to question Him?
Everyday I wonder if I'm cut out for this. I wonder if I'll be able to care for a child that has been through more than I will ever know. I doubt myself and my abilities everyday. But then I hear a little voice that tells me "I've got this. You can do this with Me," and I know that God is in control and that He will help me through this even if I make mistakes (which I will).
I really don't know where I was going with this post, but I just needed to get a few thoughts out of my head. I'm sorry if this has left any of you confused, but just know that God wants to be in control of your life and if you would let Him, He has amazing plans for you that you can only dream of.
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord"
Isaiah 55:8
Erin, That was a great post. You are a very special lady and I admire you for your strong faith and trust in God. That can be a very hard thing to do at times. Just remember that you are a great mom and that you will be (and already are) to this little bundle of joy you and Jim will be meeting hopefully in the near future!
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